Tuesday, 14 January 2014

This year

there were so many plans, so many dreams for this little space, Etsy and life itself. There was an urge to fervently write lists and new years resolutions.

Then there was a moment when life stopped, the only thing that kept a sense of perspective was the beat of my heart.

The month running up to Christmas was one of my toughest M.E months to date,  not so much on a physical level, but more on an emotional level and if I'm honest it was a really difficult time for me. I spent countless hours contemplating the benefits of writing here about it all, but instead I chose some time away from it all.

The time away has cleared my horizon and given way to a new perspective. For over four years now I have been yearning to have days where I can focus on my recovery without the constant need of caring and mothering my children. I have finally received this gift as little E is now in school and for the first time since I fell ill I have a beautiful blank canvass that I want to handle with care, love and respect, but most of all eventually fill it with the most vibrant colours that will sing to my soul.

Within is a voice that talks to us daily, one we so often choose to ignore, not by choice, but because of societal conditioning. A large majority of us have not been conditioned to meditate daily and to tame the so called 'chattering monkey', in fact very few of us know how to be still and be at one with our bodies. It truly is an art, one that takes years and years of practice and for me one that once perfected will epitomise self-actualisation. Over the years I have worked hard on trying to join the forces of my mind and body so they flow like Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata Op27. no 2. Instead my innate stubbornness, desire to achieve, driven nature and need to always be busy stands like an iceberg between my mind and body.

The only way I can think of moving forward is to really tune in, listen to each note blending into the next, feeling each staccato, legato and crescendo from the core. The decision to not commit to anything hasn't come lightly, but for now I am just going with the flow seeing where my body and mind wants to take me. Each day a blank canvas and even though life has to go on and I have a family to care for, I am trying to focus on the things that I think will help. These are things I know from experience can heal and improve the mind and body.

 Nine years ago I fell ill with viral meningitis and after three months in bed I felt helpless and didn't know how I was going to regain my strength to get back to my then senior manager post. I contacted a yoga teacher who for a while did private tuition with me at home as I was too weak to move and within weeks my body started responding in the most amazing way. I no longer had to sit at the top of the stairs when I got there I could move, breathe and within a month I was back at work.

The passion didn't end there, I continued daily practice and twice weekly classes even through pregnancies and with babies doing baby yoga. It is a practice that I have tried throughout my journey with M.E but with little success as it seems to create some trigger for shingles that take very little to activate in my body. Now I feel ready to try again and this time starting with baby steps and following yoga for Chronic Fatigue. I have done three sessions and already I am feeling and seeing the benefits. I love how yoga gives you energy and light from within. It has also made me realise just how weak four years of ill health has made my body and I look forward to regaining some strength.
I am also stripping down everything I am fuelling my body with, back to the early stages of my M.E and letting my body find some comfort and love in the goodness that mother earth has given us. For now I am avoiding all sugar, apart from natural sugars, but it is not all doom and gloom as I am looking forward to experimenting with some raw foods to see what little treats we can enjoy, but more on that another day. I have started using a wonderful app called MyFitnessPal. It is great tool to log what you eat and use it as a food diary and monitor how certain food affect you, it is also great for weight loss as it gives you your calorie intake allowance for each day.
There will be more time just to sit, read and enjoy the gift of being still. There will be hours creating, but hopefully in a different vein, one that appreciates and enjoys every aspect of the process through mindfulness and without any future expectation clouding the mind. This won't be easy as I get so carried away wanting to make a million things all at once, for me sometimes I think the biggest pleasure comes from dreaming and planning, but with time and effort I am a firm believer that it will get easier and more enjoyable. I am enjoying my new start and am already feeling small benefits.
Once I post this post I am sitting down with this month's Simply Crochet (Issue 14), and I have been so excited to get my mitts on this copy, especially seeing that the lovely Andrea from Betty&Annie is featuring in it. I love Andrea's blog and if you haven't already seen her most recent work of art, please go and check out her fabulous tablecloth!!
Wishing you all a very enjoyable week.
Warm Wishes


  1. Hello Hannapat
    Such a strong and amazingly positive post - I have no doubt that you will achieve all that you plan for.
    Kate x

  2. A beautiful post straight from the heart lovely Hannapat, and oh so wise! Go as you are led and just 'BE'! I am following! Much love and healing light, Joy xoxo

  3. Gosh what a moving post Hannapat, you are so inspiring, I'd like to wish you all the luck in the world to get your health back, you have been through so much, I think you are amazing!
    I have just started doing some yoga too, my brain is just too busy, i need to calm it down and feel at peace.
    wishing you a lovely week
    love jooles x x x

  4. Let the healing begin! Wonderful heartfelt post Hannapat, I am so pleased that this is your time now, time for YOU and being gentle with yourself as the days and challenges go by. Yoga can be very relaxing and restoring, I love a good stretch too. We are here with you all the way x take gentle care of yourself xox

  5. Oooooooooo I feel famous! Thank you dear for the mention. I am envious of your pile of yoga dvds; I have just started back with yoga after Christmas. I am interested in the sugar free diet and will be interested to hear how that goes. I was thinking just yesterday about significantly reducing the sugar in our diet. I hope the yoga for fatigue helps. Have you got the book titled something like "eat yourself 10 years younger"... its a really interesting read about diet. Enjoy your SC reading xxx

  6. Hello lovely, you're journey sounds so very much like mine, I have the beat fatigue yoga DVD and have been using it for many years now, with each relapse starting with the breathing exercises again. At the moment I'm not up to that but hope to return to it soon. I've also just got myself a swiss ball to see if it help with my balance and core. I've been reviewing my diet like you trying to eat with nature, I hope so much that we can gain some energy from it. It would be great to keep on touch via email so we can cheer each other on. The email linked to my blog is clbanks64@gmail.com thanks for writing this wonderful post wishing you health and good energy Clare xxxx

  7. Dear Hannapat
    I think that it sounds like you are doing exactly the right things for you. This world we live in is so busy and we all forget to take time to just be. I have come across several articles recently that advocate a ten minute meditation each day, just to be aware of our bodies and breathing (something we all take for granted) and of all the benefits this can have. It sounds like you are one step ahead! I do hope that your health improves with all the steps you are taking and that you can feel positive about 2014.
    Best wishes

  8. It sounds like you're on the brink of a great personal change. I know you will make the most of the time and that you will be able to rest and rejuvenate yourself. I am sorry you have to deal with this illness but I think your attitude is wonderful and I am sure it must be a great boon to you in the hardest times.

  9. You've got some great plans, very positive things, and I am sure they will benefit you. I do hope that you feel a bit improvement from them all. Wishing you a very happy and successful New Year.

  10. Hey Hannapat,

    I'm not sure that I can adequately respond to your beautful words, but I shall have a go in my usual ham fisted way.

    I really hope that your new path will lead to the road to recovery, but until then I wish you much love. This has inspired me more than you will ever know. I'm so sorry that the run up to Christmas was so tough on your health. But your positive attitude will help you in your goal for self actualisation.

    Take care Hannapat,

    Leanne xx

  11. What a beautiful post. I think I'd like to give this a go. I tried yoga once and I couldn't work out how to make my brain slow down .I ended up laughing and I left class . I have always struggling with mediation in the past but I'm going to try. I'm so pleased I have found your blog , you are very inspiring. Thank you for all your words of wisdom.
    Best wishes and I'm sending lots of hugs

  12. Dear lovely Hannapat, I wish that I had the right things to say to respond to your wonderful and honest and heartfelt post. I am so proud that you wrote this and shared this with us. You are very wise and obviously care and think a great deal about what you need to do and what others in your family and so on need too. I wish you all of the best with your journey and working through where you want to get to in the way that is best for you. We will be here to support, help, listen and cheer as you need or want. I know that you will take care of yourself. Hugs and best wishes. xx

  13. Hi Hannapat, so glad you are going to stay with the space that has opened up for you. Don't rush to fill it with drives and ambition. Self-care is the one! It will all still be there for you. I have been stretching out too a couple times recently, always feels good. I'm trying to drink less milk, think soy lattes! and have made some juices too. Every little helps, we know what we need to do. Good luck with it all, Heather x

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  15. What a beautiful post. I am so glad you let us into your life and your struggles. I am amazed at your positive outlook and I will be sending you positive thoughts for a healthier, 2014. Hugs to yo and thank you so much fro sharing with all of us.

  16. Hello Hannapat
    Bless you for sharing you health struggles, so glad you have a positive plan for 2014
    I love Yoga too it calms me from within and gives me strength
    Sugar is off my list as well ( it is hidden in so much of our food )
    I wish you well my friend
    Thea x

  17. Hi Hannapat,

    At some point we all need time away. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. Enjoy the things that are important to you. Read, crochet and just be still.

  18. Hannapat, thank you so much for all that you shared in this post. There is so much that I can relate to and it has made me realise that I'm not taking very good care of myself either. I used to do a lot of pilates and yoga for chronic pain but when my teacher went to set up his own studio in New York, I just seemed to loose interest. my food intake is terrible too, so thank you very much for the advice about that app. I was once a real foodie but now my meds often make me feel so sick that I can't face eating much. My aim for this year is to try and manage three meals a day rather than a meal in three days which happens quite often with me!!
    Good luck with all your changes. They sound very positive and I hope it all works out for you.
    Rosie xx

  19. Dear Hannapat, I read your words and then reread again....We can take an awful lot for granted when all is well in our worlds and most of all our bodies..You have inspired a few of us I can imagine with this wonderful heart felt post..I want so much to wish you well and hope this day and week is a kinder one for you to at least feel some healing....and some 'you' time....
    I practised yoga, when going through a stress full time in my life...I also mediated each day and I always try to live in the now...
    And try and appreciate all the days I have to just 'be' and not do!
    Goodness Family life is ever so busy...and you can loose your self on the journey...
    Keep cosy and keep doing all that you love, my friend...
    With kindest thoughts Maria x

  20. A wonderful, personal post, Hannapat......I know you have struggled so bravely with this illness and admire your positive attitude. You have some great ideas in place for the coming year, and I hope you soon feel the many health benefits from them. Wishing you a very happy, healthy year ahead.
    Helen xox

  21. You are doing so well, I love your commitment to your recovery, and that's what it will be, a recovery! :) x

  22. Oh my friend, how I wish I could come over and share a cup of herbal tea, do a yoga session, then some quiet stitching or crochet. You are brave and wise and empowered, you are going to make some very positive changes, and I'm glad you are sharing it here - you have so much support from Blogland! Enjoy your quiet moments and be well! Cxxx

  23. Lovely Hannapat we are all here for you dear - it sounds as if the rest has done you good, enjoy your quiet time, always love reading your posts Hannapat, big hugs to you and take care

  24. Skattie, you write so beautifully - just reading your post makes me feel calm. and you are such an inspiration. So glad you are picking up the yoga again, just take it slowly and allow yourself time to breathe and the healing will come. Ek stuur SOOO groot 'n drukkie aan jou. Liefde, xxxx

  25. Such a beautiful calm post, written with such positivity. I am sorry that you have been feeling unwell recently but I am glad that you have had time out to rest and recover. What you have written about enjoying the process of making things is something that I have been trying to do lately too. I think we sometimes forget to enjoy the making as we are so keen to get to the end of a project...often so that we can start another! I hope that you enjoy your yoga and that this year is a wonderful one for you.
    Marianne xxx

  26. You sound so positive and focused and determined here, and I wish you good health this year with all my heart. You really respect your body and are grateful for everything you can do and never take anything for granted. Many people could learn from your attitude, I think. Good luck with the yoga, and the no-sugar diet, keep us posted on how you get on with these. x

  27. So sorry to hear you are not feeling well! Hope the yoga will help you regain your strength and bring you some peace.

    Love, Madelief x

  28. Dear Hannapat,

    I have been waiting patiently and excitedly to see a new post from you! Happy, peaceful, energetic, and creative New Year to you and your loved ones. Like Maria above, I read and reread this amazing post of yours and felt grateful to you, and in awe too of your courage and persverance. I intend to continue swimming and cycling this new year and, this is new for me too, I have mostly cut out sugar although, like you, I am allowing myself fruits and juice. Coincidence or not I have so much more energy and more creative still. I am grateful to you for sharing this new app which I will, no doubt, be trying too.

    I look forward to reading you in 2014, dear Hannapat.

    Warmest wishes,


  29. Such a moving post and like everyone has said before me so heartfelt. I understand and feel your words as they resonate so strongly with my own daily battles but you have given me inspiration to try a different recovery path myself.
    warmest wishes Sue x

  30. Your calm outlook and positivity shine through your post, self care needs to be a priority but it is easy to let everything else over take it. Your words speak to my heart, I am still struggling to see my way but will take inspiration from you. x

  31. Just catching up on all your posts this year, dear Hannapat. I'm so glad to hear yoga has done such wonders to your health and that you'll get some time for yourself now that Little E is going to school! Sometimes taking a break from blogging is the best thing you can do...I too enjoyed my break from it all at the end of last year.

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