Balance

Life is a gift and one I am truly grateful for. Each day my understanding of gratitude changes and improves, I have learnt, through meditation over the years that gratitude is something we can feel, touch, taste, hear, something that awakens the most intimate parts of our bodies and minds, but it is something we so seldom sit and really embrace

 

 

 

The last few months have been somewhat of an interesting journey for me, one that has brought many questions to the forefront of my mind and one that has left me a little unsettled as I confirm yet again that I am still an all or nothing kinda gal, one who dives in the deep end and shriek with joy as I approach the biggest waves, one that loves the thrill of fear, the buzz you get from looking for your next gear placement whilst half way up a mountain, one that thrives on the excitement of getting my wheel just in the right place on a thread bare downhill single track. My association with life is to live to the fullest, with a glass always half full, so when I embarked on yet another journey to wellness in January, I dived in with all fours with new excitement and hope that this journey would be the one that will finally bring me closer to improved health and finding the essence is of my existence.

 

You see life is a little like balancing spinning plates and one that requires skill and precision. Over the last couple of months I have worked closely on learning this skill and building on my existing knowledge and if I am honest it has been a struggle. Often it feels like this work-life balance is an illusion, one that despite our best attempts we can only maintain the perfect balance with our pretty plates spinning at the right time and right place for a certain time before we realise that we are missing something, balance and the inevitable chaos that comes with being human.

 

Right now I am standing at the edge of reason, as I face the next phase. You see I have faced three months of sheer dedication and focus on my health during the day with a dedicated morning to healing, rest after lunch and spend my time as a good mum in the afternoon, wife in the evening, before I pamper my tender loins for a good nights rest, and injecting any spare time I have into research. Don't get me wrong I am loving my new routine, it is a pleasure, I rise get my kids to school, come home do some gentle yoga followed by a long meditation, prepare my lunch and do the must-do jobs and read up about foods, go to bed, rest, get up and so on. My soul feels calm, grounded, nourished and loved and for the first time in my life I feel pretty happy in my skin, happy with who I am, grateful for my being and excited about my future.

 

One slight problem is that some pretty plates have fallen by the wayside, I miss my sewing machine, my crochet hooks, my embroidery floss and most of all feeling balanced in the sense that only works for me. There are no right answers, there are no gimmicks, this is life at the core, in the deep end, but I can swim and I want to and somehow I know with time I will find my balance.

 

For now, I feel a little torn, like I am leading a double life. You see, I made the decision earlier this year that I would really inject every ounce of my being into my recovery and for me the best way I could see this happen is through doing what I am doing now, but also to finally start a blog where I could write about my journey to recovery. Over two years ago, from my bed, I made a feeble attempt at starting and ME blog, nothing about it felt right, but now I am geared up and ready. My focus will  predominantly be around food and as a result I have started a new Instagram account called Scrummytritious, the name I hope to use for my new blog when I get around to it. It feels a little strange to be living two sides of your life, but it works for me.

Cosmos and Cotton has been my savour during a time when I needed to reconnect with the world and re-engage my brain. You see four walls can get pretty lonely at times and this little space has given me light, love and hope, but above all a place where I can express the creative side of me and talk about family and gardening. My need to be creative has always been there, since I was a little girl and I love that Cosmos and Cotton has become a little platform for me where I can feel inspired by like minded souls. This little space was never really intended for ME, but its my life and ME is such a BIG part of it, I couldn't keep it separate. Now however I feel ready to do a little more, be a little more focussed and I honestly don't want to start incorporating my weekly journey with M.E here, so I feel it best to shift the gears in a different direction. This comes at a strange time, especially seeing that the very lovely and dear friend Clare have recently nominated me for this rather special award for promoting ME awareness, which I will share with you soon.

 

For now though, things may be a little quiet here, but that is just because I keep dropping these plates and I am learning how to balance everything without loosing the essence of what I am setting out to achieve. You see like those spinning plates we can try our best with everything at once, but generally it only lasts a few days, weeks, months or years before something happens to disrupt it. I want to find a lifestyle that I can keep, one that will see me through the rest of my days even when I am well again and this will take some time to figure out.

 

I know this is a really long post and one with very few photos, it just goes to show it can be done. It can be so powerful to put your thoughts on paper and really appreciate the enormity of what you are trying to achieve in life. I am missing you all and you are never far from my thoughts and I am hopeful that one day soon I will find the perfect equilibrium, for now though Namaste.

 

 

 

Warm Wishes

Hannapat

xoxo