This year

there were so many plans, so many dreams for this little space, Etsy and life itself. There was an urge to fervently write lists and new years resolutions.

 
Then there was a moment when life stopped, the only thing that kept a sense of perspective was the beat of my heart.

The month running up to Christmas was one of my toughest M.E months to date,  not so much on a physical level, but more on an emotional level and if I'm honest it was a really difficult time for me. I spent countless hours contemplating the benefits of writing here about it all, but instead I chose some time away from it all.

The time away has cleared my horizon and given way to a new perspective. For over four years now I have been yearning to have days where I can focus on my recovery without the constant need of caring and mothering my children. I have finally received this gift as little E is now in school and for the first time since I fell ill I have a beautiful blank canvass that I want to handle with care, love and respect, but most of all eventually fill it with the most vibrant colours that will sing to my soul.

Within is a voice that talks to us daily, one we so often choose to ignore, not by choice, but because of societal conditioning. A large majority of us have not been conditioned to meditate daily and to tame the so called 'chattering monkey', in fact very few of us know how to be still and be at one with our bodies. It truly is an art, one that takes years and years of practice and for me one that once perfected will epitomise self-actualisation. Over the years I have worked hard on trying to join the forces of my mind and body so they flow like Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata Op27. no 2. Instead my innate stubbornness, desire to achieve, driven nature and need to always be busy stands like an iceberg between my mind and body.

The only way I can think of moving forward is to really tune in, listen to each note blending into the next, feeling each staccato, legato and crescendo from the core. The decision to not commit to anything hasn't come lightly, but for now I am just going with the flow seeing where my body and mind wants to take me. Each day a blank canvas and even though life has to go on and I have a family to care for, I am trying to focus on the things that I think will help. These are things I know from experience can heal and improve the mind and body.

 Nine years ago I fell ill with viral meningitis and after three months in bed I felt helpless and didn't know how I was going to regain my strength to get back to my then senior manager post. I contacted a yoga teacher who for a while did private tuition with me at home as I was too weak to move and within weeks my body started responding in the most amazing way. I no longer had to sit at the top of the stairs when I got there I could move, breathe and within a month I was back at work.

 

The passion didn't end there, I continued daily practice and twice weekly classes even through pregnancies and with babies doing baby yoga. It is a practice that I have tried throughout my journey with M.E but with little success as it seems to create some trigger for shingles that take very little to activate in my body. Now I feel ready to try again and this time starting with baby steps and following yoga for Chronic Fatigue. I have done three sessions and already I am feeling and seeing the benefits. I love how yoga gives you energy and light from within. It has also made me realise just how weak four years of ill health has made my body and I look forward to regaining some strength.

 

 

I am also stripping down everything I am fuelling my body with, back to the early stages of my M.E and letting my body find some comfort and love in the goodness that mother earth has given us. For now I am avoiding all sugar, apart from natural sugars, but it is not all doom and gloom as I am looking forward to experimenting with some raw foods to see what little treats we can enjoy, but more on that another day. I have started using a wonderful app called MyFitnessPal. It is great tool to log what you eat and use it as a food diary and monitor how certain food affect you, it is also great for weight loss as it gives you your calorie intake allowance for each day.

 

 

There will be more time just to sit, read and enjoy the gift of being still. There will be hours creating, but hopefully in a different vein, one that appreciates and enjoys every aspect of the process through mindfulness and without any future expectation clouding the mind. This won't be easy as I get so carried away wanting to make a million things all at once, for me sometimes I think the biggest pleasure comes from dreaming and planning, but with time and effort I am a firm believer that it will get easier and more enjoyable. I am enjoying my new start and am already feeling small benefits.

 

Once I post this post I am sitting down with this month's Simply Crochet (Issue 14), and I have been so excited to get my mitts on this copy, especially seeing that the lovely Andrea from Betty&Annie is featuring in it. I love Andrea's blog and if you haven't already seen her most recent work of art, please go and check out her fabulous tablecloth!!

 

 

Wishing you all a very enjoyable week.

Warm Wishes

Hannapat

xoxo